Monday, February 20, 2012
Monday, October 31, 2011
Halloween
Here it is Sunday night and the dreaded annoyance of the alarm clock ringing tomorrow morning is already anticipated. Mondays, I loathe them. From my previous post it may be hard to derive that I actually was at one time a very optimistic person or that I always try to find some good in any circumstance. With my recent decent desire to become a better person, for multiple reasons such as (serving as the best mother I can be for my son, having the spirit I had about life before, pulling myself out of a slump, finding contentment within myself) I will look forward to Monday as it is Halloween and the start of a week that ends with a paycheck.
HALLOWEEN. I am not so sure what I make of this celebration or holiday I take part in every year. I don't know why I take the time to self- analyze and make sense of everything. Maybe its because I recently spoke to a Jahovahs Witness and as they don't celebrate holidays, especially one that commercializes on witch-craft and superstitions. So I will stop anaylze do what I have always done and make fun of candy and dressing up. As a child I can remember dressing up and going out with my older brother and walking all over nieghboorhoods to fill up pillow cases full of candy. Kids flooded all the blocks of the nieghboorhood and at each door there was no need to ring the doorbell but a need to stand in line. The night always ended with a return home to the living room to trade, barder, and catergorize.Those memories will forever be cherished as they become more faint, slowly those memories turned into outings without my elder sibling and with neighboorhood girls, to neighboorhood girls and boys carrying on, and as more years passed it eventually turned into drinking and other (let's call it) recreational activities, calamity and house parties. It may be just me but I swear fewer and fewer kids are in the nieghboorhoods engaging in door to door trick-or-treating. In a world where the are pedofiles and fears of poisoned candy I think festivals and malls have replaced tradition. Cute costumes, turned into slutty costumes as Halloween became the one night a year a promiscuous girl can be excused to wear something to attract extra attention. This Halloween and the previous two are back to cute costumes, pumpkin carvings, and pumpkin patches as now I engage in the holiday festivities with my son. Believe me there is no greater joy in life then doing the fun things with you child as a parent. Tonight I'm sure my son will make me smile and feel so proud but I also have agreed to share the evening with his father. I am attempting to positivley co-parent by spending moments like this that can not be equally shared at seperate times or different occasions. So as much as I am excited to see the little one I dread the likeliness of arguing, disputing, or having anymore altercations--the positive co-parenting can just as easily turn into the exact opposite without notice-- and then ultimately damages my son and then years down the road I have a troubled boy who has reason to blame his parents for their horrible upbringings.
This year of 2011 has been a challenge which maybe I'll further speculate on later or not. There are so many people who will state that New Years is time for putting a previously bad one into the past, or is an optimal time to change this or better that, but I am eagerly waiting for 2012. Each year in my life has seemed to have harder and harder blows. Let me tell you that 2011 have been the type of blows where you are already laying in the dirt attempt to get up only to get trampled or kicked back down. That just puts is mildly. I don't even know why I've started to open up about this particular topic I guess that's for later.
I think I've ranted enough for now even though there is much more eating my mind.
HALLOWEEN. I am not so sure what I make of this celebration or holiday I take part in every year. I don't know why I take the time to self- analyze and make sense of everything. Maybe its because I recently spoke to a Jahovahs Witness and as they don't celebrate holidays, especially one that commercializes on witch-craft and superstitions. So I will stop anaylze do what I have always done and make fun of candy and dressing up. As a child I can remember dressing up and going out with my older brother and walking all over nieghboorhoods to fill up pillow cases full of candy. Kids flooded all the blocks of the nieghboorhood and at each door there was no need to ring the doorbell but a need to stand in line. The night always ended with a return home to the living room to trade, barder, and catergorize.Those memories will forever be cherished as they become more faint, slowly those memories turned into outings without my elder sibling and with neighboorhood girls, to neighboorhood girls and boys carrying on, and as more years passed it eventually turned into drinking and other (let's call it) recreational activities, calamity and house parties. It may be just me but I swear fewer and fewer kids are in the nieghboorhoods engaging in door to door trick-or-treating. In a world where the are pedofiles and fears of poisoned candy I think festivals and malls have replaced tradition. Cute costumes, turned into slutty costumes as Halloween became the one night a year a promiscuous girl can be excused to wear something to attract extra attention. This Halloween and the previous two are back to cute costumes, pumpkin carvings, and pumpkin patches as now I engage in the holiday festivities with my son. Believe me there is no greater joy in life then doing the fun things with you child as a parent. Tonight I'm sure my son will make me smile and feel so proud but I also have agreed to share the evening with his father. I am attempting to positivley co-parent by spending moments like this that can not be equally shared at seperate times or different occasions. So as much as I am excited to see the little one I dread the likeliness of arguing, disputing, or having anymore altercations--the positive co-parenting can just as easily turn into the exact opposite without notice-- and then ultimately damages my son and then years down the road I have a troubled boy who has reason to blame his parents for their horrible upbringings.
This year of 2011 has been a challenge which maybe I'll further speculate on later or not. There are so many people who will state that New Years is time for putting a previously bad one into the past, or is an optimal time to change this or better that, but I am eagerly waiting for 2012. Each year in my life has seemed to have harder and harder blows. Let me tell you that 2011 have been the type of blows where you are already laying in the dirt attempt to get up only to get trampled or kicked back down. That just puts is mildly. I don't even know why I've started to open up about this particular topic I guess that's for later.
I think I've ranted enough for now even though there is much more eating my mind.
Friday, October 21, 2011
My first blog: Attempting to figure it out
As I near the age of 24 in the matter of weeks I can only think that with a couple more blinks of an eye that another lifetime will pass before my very eyes and I will be 50.
Six years ago seems not so long ago when I was finally 18, the day I had long awaited to be granted my own liberty and ability to be treated an accepted as an adult. I remember December 10th, 2005 as clear as yesterday. That very night I realized that being 18 only presented me with more responsibility and accountabilty. The shennanigans I particpated in before would only offer me fun for so long before consequences would result of my choices, at which point I would not be treated like a child.
What does six years ago have a thing to do with today? Not much besides the fact that I could describe every detail like it was yesterday, or that was the night I first slept with my son's father. Anyway my recollections of six years ago are not at all vague. I find great significance in understanding the concept of time. Years of life continue to fly by me faster than the each year before and time does not stop, wait, pause, or rewind.
Today I still find myself questioning my inner thoughts, beliefs, goals, desires, and the life around me. What's right? What's wrong? What's acceptable, what's not? What do I really want? What can I do? What prevents me from going where I want to go? Where am I even going? Six years ago I was so sure of myself and driven, today offers me nothing but an overpowering, overwhelming emptiness. I have no since of certainty and no security. I feel as though as each day keeps passing and I keep missing days of truly living. Some of these feelings are warranted by reason and the others are present without explanation. This blog serves as a tempory method of self expression and thought on a journey to an unknown destination.
Six years ago seems not so long ago when I was finally 18, the day I had long awaited to be granted my own liberty and ability to be treated an accepted as an adult. I remember December 10th, 2005 as clear as yesterday. That very night I realized that being 18 only presented me with more responsibility and accountabilty. The shennanigans I particpated in before would only offer me fun for so long before consequences would result of my choices, at which point I would not be treated like a child.
What does six years ago have a thing to do with today? Not much besides the fact that I could describe every detail like it was yesterday, or that was the night I first slept with my son's father. Anyway my recollections of six years ago are not at all vague. I find great significance in understanding the concept of time. Years of life continue to fly by me faster than the each year before and time does not stop, wait, pause, or rewind.
Today I still find myself questioning my inner thoughts, beliefs, goals, desires, and the life around me. What's right? What's wrong? What's acceptable, what's not? What do I really want? What can I do? What prevents me from going where I want to go? Where am I even going? Six years ago I was so sure of myself and driven, today offers me nothing but an overpowering, overwhelming emptiness. I have no since of certainty and no security. I feel as though as each day keeps passing and I keep missing days of truly living. Some of these feelings are warranted by reason and the others are present without explanation. This blog serves as a tempory method of self expression and thought on a journey to an unknown destination.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)